I have to warn you: This is a very very long post. If you have work/chores/a boyfriend/a life you will not read this to the end. This is also a very personal post. I have been looking at it since yesterday morning and thinking about posting it or not. I think it's time to press the publish button now. You've been warned!
I’ve been overweight most of my life. Sometimes by one or two kilos, other times by 12, but overweight just the same. I’ve felt overweight all of my life. I was a chubby baby that was given too much bread to eat, a chubby teenager that didn’t eat at all just to spike everybody, a chubby PhD candidate that didn’t care what she was eating as long as it kept her alive and awake to write her Thesis and a chubby 37 year old that no matter what she eats or doesn’t eat, is still chubby.
The few periods of my life that I wasn’t chubby were the 7 years between my second year in the University and my last year of my PhD when I was too busyworking out 8 hours a week to eat, the 2 years of my post Doc when I was also working out my lab frustration for 8 hours a week and the 4 years after that when I was working my day job and working out 8 hours a week cause I didn’t have a boyfriend. So in a period of 37 years, I’ve been overweight for 24 years and felt overweight for 37 years. Wait. The math doesn’t add up. I shouldn’t feel overweight those 13 years when I wasn’t, should I? Well guess what? I did anyway! I did feel better when I was weighing 49 or 51 kilos than when I was weighing 56, but I still felt chubby.
Now, the psychologists could have a field trip out of that. How I have low self esteem, how I don’t love myself, how I am a strict judge etc. Let them say what they want to say! I’ll still feel chubby! Any person growing up having their cheeks pinched by every freaking aunt, uncle, mother’s friend, father’s associate, unknown people down the street, would feel chubby. Oops, did I just psychoanalyze myself? Brrr I should lie down!
Well, you might ask yourself the obvious question: Since you don’t like being chubby and since you –a scientist of all people- have a tested way to not be chubby –the 8 hours a week work out way- why don’t you try it out again? Is it because either way you’ll feel chubby?
No! The answer is no! The reason why I don’t use my tested and fault proof way of not being chubby is not that I will feel chubby even if am not! The actual reason why is unknown to me.
Let me tell you a few (more) things about me since you haven’t died of boredom reading this. I used to live to work out. I loved it! I used to go to the gym for hours and hours! I usually worked out in groups doing aerobic which was really an advanced dancing course with very difficult steps and counts and rhythm. I thrived at it! I was so good I used to have an audience! No kidding! I felt free when I was working out/dancing! Especially the last 4 years when I focused on hip hop dancing! The stories I can tell you! Man, I thought I could fly! I think I did on some occasions!
And then came love. No, Nick wasn’t the reason I gave up the gym. I was! I loved spending time with him in the afternoon so I went to gym for 5 hours instead of 8. And then for 4 and then for 2 and then I didn’t go for a month. And that was the end of it.
Now, the psychologists would say that I exchanged my passion for the gym to my passion for Nick. I have to admit I am a really passionate gal, but, again, let them say what they want to say!
I just didn’t want to go to the gym! I was working out with Nick instead if you catch my drift! Well, ok I don’t want to be crude but I am opening up my soul here, so let’s be honest shall we? Which one of you would blow off 2 hours of steamy lovemaking to 2 hours of work out? Do not lie! And don’t give me none of the cheesy lines either, we were newly and very passionately in love, of course it lasted 2 hours! Jealous much?
Three years, a wedding, a house renovation, a move into the new house and one unused annual gym registration later I decided to get back on the horse. Now, don’t go jumping into conclusions about me and Nick’s love life, we are still steamy! I did however need to lose weight. So I found a new gym with lots of new adventures –does Zumba ring any bells?- and a new found will to start sweating. I did well for a month or two. I didn’t reach 8 hours a week but I had a constant show up to the gym 3 times a week for an hour. And then something came up. I don’t even remember what it was. A full week of orders, a week of a painful period that didn’t leave room for jumping up and down, some chores that needed to be done, I honestly can’t tell you. But that was the end. Again. I haven’t been in the gym since November 2014.
Then some weeks ago, I decided to start walking on our house treadmill early in the morning. Really early in the morning, before my tea, before work, before waking up for that matter. And I did. For a whole 2 days. Then I said, I would do it in the afternoon. And I did. In my imagination!
And that brings us to today, or to be exact to last night. I am lying in bed reading my e-book and Nick says: “I want you to promise me you are going to walk on the treadmill for half an hour each day from no on”. Needless to say that the only steam generated last night was the one coming out of my ears! I mean the nerve of the guy!!! It’s not that he doesn’t know me! It’s not that he doesn’t know what I’ve been through all this time with trying to get back to the gym, trying to lose weight, trying to be in a better shape. He knows better than anyone! And he says that regardless! Well ok, he says that because I’ve been having trouble catching my breath each time I walk and talk at the same time (pathetic I know), or when I climb up the stairs, which didn’t use to happen ever! And he really says it because he’s worried about my health and not my weight, I know that! But, it still stings! He shouldn’t have to say that! I shouldn’t let it come to this! And NO this is not quilt talking or whatever other psychological tag you want to attribute. This is reality.
When you are this close to 40, with 40 being a chance to shine and live well for another 40 years and NOT a stress factor, you should take better care of yourself. I should. You should too!
I know I will never stop feeling chubby no matter how much I weight. I also know I don’t need to be thin to be beautiful, I’ve always known that. I just want to do my best to be healthy and not be overweight by much. So, I’ve decided to write this down and post it publicly so that you’ll all going to witness my humiliationprogress and cheer me on! I’ve missed having an audience and while this isn’t dancing I hope it will be just as fun!
I am naming this Chubby girl’s confessionsbecause I am going to be confessing my weight, height (well as much as I hope this will not change but you know what I mean) and fitness status once a week from now on! I hope to make this into something interesting for you to read, if you’ve read this far you definitely don’t have a boyfriend, and maybe cheer me on or pass on words of advice. I am mostly doing this in hope of some of you out there wont let me give up and make excuses, you know who you are bitches. I also appreciate constructive criticism but you have to be ready for my response! I wouldn’t go as far as getting any of you to do the same; I am not an inspiring person. I will just write down what worked, what didn’t, what hurt and what felt good. I will not write about my love life no matter how much you beg! I’ll even throw in some photos. Maybe. We’ll see. Let’s just take this one step at a time.
So here goes nothing. It's Saturday, March 28th 2015 and the scale that bitch shows 64.3kg. I am 159cm and my fitness status is...well hell if I know. Let's call it level 1 for now cause I really don't want to put myself down with any zeros. I can walk fast on the treadmill without loosing my breath for 30 minutes but I can’t talk at the same time. I am an excellent mutlitasker so that should tell you things!
That’s all for now, I will record my progress during next week and I’ll let you know what I did for work out and how it felt. Who cares? Stay tuned! Are you kidding?
Lots of love
Disclaimer: These are personal facts I’ve decided to share with my few readers. It’s difficult being that personal with people you haven’t even met. I am not a health/fitness/whatever guru and despite my Biochemistry PhD I will never tell you what to eat or what not. I will not tell you to do anything! I am just sharing here. If you want to read, read, if you want to make fun, I’ll laugh with you, God knows I live for sarcasm, but please pretty please, don’t psychoanalyze what I write. Nobody wants’ to hear what Freud has to say about my mom! Thank ya!